Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Who I Am

Recently some friends and I spent a girls' night at a photographer's studio having boudoir pictures taken of ourselves. This was the third time I've been invited to participate in such an evening, but I've always declined the invite. I'm 5'4 and over 175 lbs. NOBODY wants to see that nekkid, including me! I, as usual, declined the invitation, but was trumped when my friends over rode the decision and gave me the session for my birthday. No going back now...Gotta look like a beached whale in front of a CAMERA! AAAAAaagggghhhhhh! Kris, one of the other girls going, pointed out she signed up for the evening with the thought that it would either make her feel better about herself or give her the motivation to lose her 20 lbs of baby weight. I ended up having a great night with the girls (even though I felt completely foolish most of the evening). I get to see my *AIRBRUSHED* pictures tomorrow. I am nervous as all hell, though I have a lot of faith in the photographer's eye and skill and Photo Shop. What Kris said has totally hit home: I do feel a little better about myself. I had the gonads to get the pictures done and there is so much more to me than this weight. I have good cheek bones and pretty eyes. I have beautiful hands. I am also that much more motivated to leave 40+ pound of me in the dust. I've always been so envious of people who run, people who are healthy. I spent 3 years among their ranks believing I was still fat and a couch potato. I was 115 pounds and so skinny I looked sick, but I couldn't see it. I never let anyone take my picture because "I'm fat."

Well, no more. It's time to start looking at everything differently. I've gotten absolutely nowhere these last 8 years beating myself up and eating/drinking whatever I wanted. I don't like feeling this way. I want runner's highs and low cholesterol! I want the satisfaction of finishing a 5k, 10k, 13.1 and 26.2! But it's so easy to say you're going to start something and then not follow through.  So my plan is to use this page to track my goals and my motivators. A daily pursuit of reminders of what I want and what I need to do to get there. My daily ounce of motivation.Hopefully the next time the girls and I take racy pics (and I WILL do it again), I will be a lot nicer to myself.

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